DO WE OWE TO OUR AGED PARENTS?
Roshan
Kattassery and Soumya Nair
Swarna
Mamee cannot withhold her tears when she saw the two nighties she got from her
son. Torn and faded nighties were once used by her daughter-in-law, when she
was pregnant. Aged 84, Swarna Mamee lost her husband way back in 2004 and till
few months back she used to shuttle between her sons. Few months in Mumbai with
her elder son and then at Bangalore with the youngest. Sickened by the frequent
change of residence and the unwelcome attitude of both families made her to
think of an alternate. Swarna Mamee decided to move into a care home when she
felt that life is not that easy in her son’s house. Torn and faded nighties
portrays the attitude of a growing number of few children who is uncaring.
What
responsibility do adults have for their aging parents? Majority says the
answer’s simple: that adult children owe the same obligation to their elders as
their parents demonstrated to them when they were children. But for those with
complicated family dynamics, or even worrying financials, things are not
hunky-dory for many families when it comes to caring an aged parent. Everything
else, mostly attitude matters.
In India, says
Dr. Rameela Shekar, Dean at School
of Social work, Roshni Nilaya, Mangalore, it is our age-old custom that
children are “obliged to display concern and render assistance to aged
parents.” Just concluded study by Dr. Rameela and her team at School of Social
work points to a grave concern about the
poor attitude of our youngsters because only a tiny percentage of
the young people concerned with the welfare of the elderly population. She
cannot hide her dismay because only 8% of the sample belonged to any group
concerned with the welfare of the aged. “Predominantly negative images of
elderly people prevailed among more than half of the young people. These
negative images will not easily be dissipated without the provision of more
avenues of communication between young and old.” explained Dr. Rameela.
In
the past, when few people lived into their seventies or eighties and then died,
the level of help and care a parent required on an existential level was
relatively small. Those elderly could largely care for themselves or the joint
family system pitch in, and the cost was never a concern. Moreover, the elderly
of a generation ago -who were, by and large- younger at time of death, often
were able to live at home mostly a joined family. Children could take care of
infirm adults because they are under the same roof, and that eighty year-old
would otherwise care for him or herself. Today, with so many more joining the
ranks of the oldest old, living late into their 90s and even 100s, parents
without the advocacy and intervention of children may truly be at the mercy of
strangers or -worse- the charity.
The
Indian government introduced a bill almost 10 years ago that would make it a
legal obligation for children, heirs, or relatives to provide financial
assistance to senior citizens.
China implemented a law
(2013) requiring adult children to be emotionally supportive of their parents, including in
the form of visits.
Today every
country think so, and
as the population of elderly in nearly every society starts to swell, such
eldercare laws are becoming more common. Such a law would take India's
traditionally strong sense of filial obligation into the stricter territory of
legal statute. But are they effective? In America, twenty-eight
states currently have laws making adult children responsible for their parents
if their parents can't afford to take care of themselves. Often called filial
responsibility laws, obligate adult children to provide necessities like food,
clothing, housing, and medical attention for their indigent parents.
“Here in New York, children have no legal
obligation at all with respect to the care of their parents, or any obligation
with respect to their expenses,” said Ms. Carolyn Gallogly, a specialist in
social gerontology at Long Island. Asked if she believes there should be some
sort of law enforcing such care, she said, “My own opinion is no. Adult
children have obligations to their own children. As a social gerontologist, I
believe it’s not something that should be legislated. Legislation will be only
in paper. Care and love cannot be enforced” But, she added, “Morally speaking and from my practice who
deals with children of elderly parents all the time, I do believe that children
have a moral obligation to do what they can to make sure their parents are as
well cared for as they possibly can.”
The
obligation of a ‘good’ son or daughter to show affection and care for an aged
parent seems mostly straightforward and a pretty simple case of
reciprocation. We as social
gerontologist, often see cracks developing in the families soon the aged parent
need long term support. Not
surprisingly, siblings can hold fiercely different positions about what they
“should” do. Some make huge sacrifices of time and money to comfort and care
for dad or mom; others rarely show their faces even when parents pine for them. Whereas some families are closely-knit,
loving and supportive of one another, others are dysfunctional and merely share
the same surname and little else.
If not all, in most societies of this world,
the moral obligations for the assistance of older people unable to sustain
themselves or to receive sustenance from an equivalent source lies with the
younger generations in their families, precisely with their adult children.
This responsibility has been encapsulated in norms of ‘filial obligation’,
enshrined in societies’ moral or religious codes − be they Hindu, Christian
or Muslim or otherwise. Anyhow, at different times and in different ways,
societies have experienced obvious shifts, especially declines. These declines
have exposed the aged to increasing poverty and deprivation; moreover they are
emotionally tormented by abandonment and shame. Cold remarks, scolding, abuses and lack of love, care and
financial support were found to be the main problems facing old-timers.
Advanced years are difficult, more so in a country where there is no sizeable
state-sponsored arrangements and amenities for its aging population. In short, children are
the only comfort and strength in twilight years and they fails, destitution
looms large.
Let’s
listen to Kamala Chauhan who is distraught because she thinks her only daughter
has abandoned her. "You become a
burden on your kids when you grow old," Kamala laments, revealing a
universal truth. Kamala vividly remembers the proud
moment when she married off her only daughter 35 years ago, because after her
husband’s death it was a lone battle. But now, in her twilight years, Ms.
Kamala's pride is sobered by her perceived feelings of rejection from her own
child. Two years ago, at the age of 75 and after suffering a mild stroke,
Kamala was ‘admitted’ by her daughter in a care home with a promise that she
will stay there only a couple of months till her recovery. For the first two
months, her daughter visited her regularly but then the visits stopped. With
the money she earned as a teacher, Kamala bought the house that her daughter
and family now live in but she never had any inkling that one day she will be
chased out from her own house. Daughter has an array of ‘valid’ reasons from dodging the
responsibility. Stroke and rehabilitation came as handy to abandon her in a
care home. “I want my daughter's love and
affection, not her money." She ends her story.
A child cannot shy away from such a moral
obligation invoking umpteen reasons. Most of the reasons are frivolous, just an
excuse to get away from the moral responsibility. Few of the adult children say
space constraints, children’s education, daughter’s marriage, incompatibility
with their wife or husband, financial difficulties, long distance, time
constraints and the list is infinite. Many of the aged parents expect little,
just sensitivity is enough.
Regardless of attitudes about the children’s role, a
majority of adults from all age groups believe that adult children have an
obligation to support their aging parents. Nevertheless, Indications are that families have - or will, become less able
or ready to provide such care to their aged kin, and it is better the seniors
accept this reality. Living
longer brings many difficulties to senior citizens in a society that is not
well-prepared for ageing. It is better not to blame the children for the so-called
distress in old age knowing the limitations of the children. In the coming years,
seniors have only one option and it is to move forward with definitive plans
for old age with lesser expectations and dependency on children. To avoid poverty, social exclusion,
marginalization and to overcome the lack of family support, one must plan much
early in life.
In some
quarters of our society, elders are fast losing their place in the family as
respected members. As the rapidly urbanizing India
sees its social landscape shift away from traditional family bonds, the
country's once-revered elders are becoming increasingly vulnerable. The newer
trending allows the adult children to move out of their parents' homes to live
independently or sometimes go overseas for better employment opportunities,
leaving the aged at home. Changing family values, changing social dynamics,
population ageing, insensitive children, family dysfunction, financial
dependability and many more can vitiate a normal peaceful old age. How many of
our children understand the ‘payback’ concept when it comes to filial
obligations? Can we dodge the moral responsibility toward our ageing parents?
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