AGEING WITHOUT CHILDREN
ROSHAN
JACOB and SOUMYA NAIR
It was a chance meeting with
Diwakar Kamat and he told me when I met him at a free medical camp recently:
‘… I
lost both my parents 24 years ago and 6 years ago, at age 55, my wife left me
for another man. It was more of a financial decision because I suffered losses
in my business and my wife thought there is no point in sticking around with a
man with liabilities. We had no children. I don’t have any siblings either; I’m
an only child. Today, I’m a perfect orphan.’ Diwakar, sort of settled with the
reality.
‘While
I’ve always been pretty independent all these years, the complete lack of
immediate family has left me at times scary in ways I never could have
imagined. I cope by trying as hard as I can to rebuild a family-like structure
with friends old and new, and to live in the moment whenever possible. But
there’s no getting around the fact my life – and my perspective – is forever
changed. The loneliness can be overwhelming and so difficult to express to
well-meaning friends. My only hope is to work through it and hope the pain
lessens over time. Today, I am old, alone and poor.’ Diwakar rues.
Can’t we empathize
or gloss over?
Being a social
gerontologist, I sure can and felt bad.
The encounter with
Diwakar made me privy to the growing trend of elder orphans.
Most of us hope that our
family will step up and help out. But the reality is different. For an
increasing number of seniors, that option isn’t there. Whether they’re
estranged from family or have never married or had children, more and more
people will find themselves alone as they age and their health declines.
By 2030, 2
million people are predicted to be over 65 without adult children, according to
a 2014 study in UK. This represents a huge demographic trend across the world:
approximately a quarter of people will get older without ever having had
children. In our country, a large chunk of population goes through same anxiety
and worry. It’s staggering that such a shift in society has been almost completely ignored in ageing debates. So why has this issue
lacked debate?
As social gerontologists, we believe
it is for a number of reasons. First, our society remains ageist and it holds
good across nations. While sexism, racism and homophobia are deemed unacceptable,
derogatory comments and assumptions about older adults pass by without remark. Infirm
older adults are seen as a burden on society, lacking value or importance. There
has been a stream of reports highlighting appalling treatment of particularly
frail and vulnerable older people. Another crucial fact is that why blame
others for your plight, when you yourself have no clue about your preparedness.
So is it really a surprise that people fear ageing and worry about being
ignored and badly treated? Lack of preparedness makes them more vulnerable.
A common answer we hear from
people on the issue of ageing without children is: “Oh, I’ll just kill myself
when I get to that stage” (that stage being old and frail). Is this practical? How will you figure out the ‘that stage’? Though they disdain the prospect of being old and
alone, at the back of their mind this question flashes. "How in the world
will we take care of ourselves?". Obviously people are brushing aside the bigger aspect of
planning, but it says a lot about how little faith people have of a good old
age in this country that killing themselves seems like a better option.
We don’t believe that
growing older without kids or a partner doesn't mean you're doomed. We're all
at risk for becoming isolated and becoming elder orphans. Everybody has to
prepare to live as independently as possible and adopt appropriate strategies.
Few tips are listed below.
1. Speak up
We advise everyone
to discuss their options openly with friends – married and
single, men and women – before making a firm decision. We discuss
our psychological issues with professionals. We discuss our money
strategies with financial experts, so why not talk openly to a social
gerontologist about family and care concerns and what it means to going solo in
old age.
2. Act early.
Life is more complex,
especially when you get old. Don't get to a situation when
you're 60 and now you're having to scramble to catch up. That’s absolutely
ridiculous knowing you are alone and without plans.
Still not convinced?
Everybody wants some control
in their life. If you don't plan, what you're choosing to do is cede that
control to somebody else – and most likely to end up in a disastrous
situation, scripted by a stranger.
3. Make a surrogate
family.
Your social connections can
help with practical health care needs, like driving you to the doctor when
you're unable. But they also do something powerful: keep you alive, research
suggests. Connections can also help ward off
depression and create a semblance of well being. The more social activities you have, the more friends, the more
things you can do to keep your body and mind active – that's the best
protection you have against depression and mental illness.
4. Appoint a proxy.
Who is your most trusted friend or
relative? Over these years, it won’t be difficult to identify such a person who
is your well-wisher whom you have absolute faith. This person is supposed to help
you if you're in a time of crisis, and revisit that periodically over your
life. Make sure that person knows the whole list of
things somebody needs to know if they're going to help you. Before it’s too
late, consider designating that person as your durable power of attorney
for health care, or the person who makes health care decisions for you
when you're no longer able.
5. Consider institutionalisation.
It is a very hard decision.
But, again it is necessary and be open about it. Running a fully functional
home is near to impossible at advancing years. Many a time, ageing in place is
hard when it comes to a person who is alone and old. The need for skilled care which cannot be afforded by most
people within the home environment may also be a consideration for
institutionalisation. Again, the old person has reached a point either
physically, mentally or even financially where institutionalization needs to be
considered. Reasons for institutionalization may vary greatly but revolves
around a single factor – the elderly needs care within a facility.
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